intermission

beyonce released another killer album today. 

having danced around my living room to grown woman the other night, i know that it is going to be amazing. 

between her and kanye at the moment, my world is sparkling with creative and pop-cultural dynamite. fireworks.*

but don't worry, this isn't one of a thousand reviews about it and her amazingess. 

it's about the fact that i haven't listened to the album yet because it's too inspiring.

yes, that sounds ridiculous.

especially because i am a fan, i am totally gassed that she's released something, the film clips are all going to be killer and i'm loving seeing my twitter timeline light up with excitement.

but right now, i don't want to be 'inspired', because that energy needs to be poured into something, a channel, a path, a way forward, and i don't have a clear one of those right now. 

and if you take energy and have no-where to put it, you end with catharsis and impotence. 

none of which are helpful to me right now. 

not to mention a waste of a shit-hot beyonce album.

because right now, i'm in an intermission.

i'm between drinks. in a holding pattern. treading water. purgatory.

although none of those idioms really describe where i'm at in my life.

i've put art down. for a while. 

i'm not convinced that it's able to do what i want it to do in the world at the moment. i'm not able to overcome the glaring conflicts in the sector, or the same-old-same-old concerns and the same old tired men people doing the same old thing. 

i'm bored of the complacency and unimpressed with the little energy there is. 

i'm also not convinced of my place in art. of my ability to execute my ideas and passions and decisions into the world in a satisfactory way.

don't just do it for the sake of it

one of my good qualities is that i have determination and perseverance. i keep going, cutting through all the muck. just keep doing it.

but if i'm not convinced by the work, or the project, or the idea - its relevance, i can't get behind it. 

i would rather preserve my energy and focus on something that resonates.

because when it is hard work, if you don't believe in it, NOTHING will get you through that hard work. and any energy from inspiration will be wasted.

it probably means i'm not going to be successful. because all those inspirational sayings talk about just keeping on keeping on. seemingly regardless of if the idea is terrible, or you're hurting people, hurting yourself or just wasting your time.

before spiritual enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. after spiritual enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.

the nice thing about putting art on the shelf for a bit is that it allows me to do other stuff. to write. to pick up dancing. to watch film and theatre and to read the amazing articles i have access to in this day and age.

and to find ways to help other people doing things that have nothing to do with art or my own arts practice. i can just help see some stuff through. get things done.

i can be useful, without it having to reflect my own sense of identity in that usefulness.

beyonce reminds me that i have a stack of energy and things to say to the world. she reminds me that, when you're on a roll, go with it and work hard, believe in yourself and open up to the world. that being alive and fierce and loud and present is necessary. i'm looking forward to doing that in the near future. and in the mean time, i'm totally happy to be her stage manager.

*and don't worry if you hate it all, you don't have to convince me why, you can keep that opinion to yourself for a while.

image pinched from here:

http://es.tendencias.yahoo.com/blogs/pintalabios-y-chupetes/beyonce-levanta-ira-padres-super-bowl-144109219.html