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... and then she says goodbye

roses at the melborne cemetery

god you poor readers have been through a bit of a rollercoaster with me this year.

what am i talking about.. i've been on a bit of a roller coaster this year!  the last couple of months have been quite the ride. love and loss. love and loss.

i'm sure i'll look back on this part of my life with true love and affection, knowing that this was the crucial point in the movie - the turning point that made an amazing and obvious outcome, that redefined the character of the main protagonist from here on in.

at the end of the month, i'll be getting on a plane back to the UK and europe. the plan has always been that it's for good. well, you know, in an attempt to set up a life there - try my hand at living more permanently somewhere. that somewhere being back in berlin: a place i always felt most myself, close to art, ideas, other artists and a greater gene pool of cultural production.

but really fucking far from my lover, family and dear friends.
none of whom can physically join me on this journey for various (and heartbreaking) reasons. i'll be leaving them behind.

a few months ago, the idea that i would sacrifice relationships for my career felt right. heroic. stoic, even. the obvious choice.

today, as i sit and cry for the umpteenth time about saying goodbye, it doesn't feel so obvious.

of course i've been doing all the wrong things - like listening to a mixtape my friend will made for me years ago after i left london (full of goodbyes); watching sad movies about facing ones fate, like stranger than fiction; talking to friends about relationships that could never be reading about romance and emigrantion.

unhelpful. but oddly comforting.

it's quite lucky that i'll be in the london for my first stop - i'll be spending a lot of time in the embrace of those wonderful (free) art institutions, being consoled by the arms of art history. and by the time i get to berlin, i'll spend a destructive month dancing until daylight in an attempt to shake the last of regret, sadness and fear from my booty.

and before you all try for pithy consolations, i do know that i can come back.  i know that 'if it's meant to be, it will be'. and that i am doing the right thing.

but it doesn't mean that this kind of decision isn't fuckin' hard.

stupid pop songs that suck right now:

adele: someone like you
maximo park: going missing
peter gabriel: here comes the flood
nick cave: as i sat sadly by her side
jay-z and beyonce: '03 bonnie and clyde
billy bragg: the price i pay


At 14 May, 2012 18:26, Blogger mayhem said...

Sayonara and enjoy Europe - oh enjoy Europe, cheaper to live than Australia and so interesting.

hope you keep posting, just so I can live vicariously through your blog....

cheers MM

At 15 May, 2012 00:00, Anonymous Angus said...

Oh hi. I'm your cynical friend who doesn't believe for one second that 'if it's meant to be it's meant to be'. If you want it, you have to follow it. Just depends which one you want more. Make sure you're not throwing away true love, lovely, because it's hard to find.

I can see you living in Berlin though, well done on embracing the longer term adventure and best of luck.

At 15 May, 2012 07:37, Blogger lauren said...

thanks mayhem. i'm sure i'll enjoy europe - who knows if it will work out, but in the past, it has been a blast.

angus! you truth-teller, you.
whilst i don't think you find love - it find's you, you're right about making a choice which one to follow. and, although i don't feel it right now, art has always been my "true love". but it is a difficult relationship that needs lots of attention and cajoling and following it around the world.

the love i'm leaving behind is not so demanding. it is true in the sense that it is constant and i know that it will eventually be here when the circumstances are right. thank you for highlighting that.

here goes nothing...

At 15 May, 2012 18:42, Blogger Age said...

We found a little Portuguese cafe down the road from our place. It's small and Melbournesque. We and it, await you. Holla!

At 16 May, 2012 02:36, Anonymous Cam @ notunimportant said...

Great post. How clever of you to leave this trace for your archivists.

It is brave and inspirational to stand up, toe-to-toe, with the difficulty of difficult decisions. It's a good head you have on your shoulders that conducts this dialogue with you heart. Clearly, it is going to serve you well.


At 16 May, 2012 05:45, Blogger lauren said...

Age!! aw... that will be so cute and rad and awesome. i'll love it, i know. and i might cry. just so you know. :)

thanks cam - for my archivists? you mean googlebots, right? thanks for your really kind and resounding words. hopefully i can live up to them.

At 26 May, 2012 01:02, Anonymous Ramona said...

I am so excited for you and even tho I've never done a single real life social thing with you I'm a wee bit sad to see you go. You better keep blogging lady. All my adventures take place in a thirty km radius so I live vicariously through you!


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